10 frumpy mistakes

It's always fun to see what the Glam Girls are up to at Fabulous After 40, and I had a bit of a smile reading their '10 Worst Fashion Mistakes' the other day.

Obviously, it's all as daft as a horoscope - but you can't help feeling a twinge of pleasure when you DON'T tick the dowdy boxes. How did I do?

1 - Frump factor: are you still wearing your favourite old t-shirt and jeans? Well, no. But not really through choice. The main reason is that my acid water rots cellulose fibres so jeans and tees don't get much chance to grow very old in this house. When they're scabby, they're pensioned off for gardening, to my mate N for mucking out her horses, and then for rags.

2 - Boring coat. Not guilty here, especially with my gorgeous new Boden silk coat with red roses. I am a fan of fab coats, especially brightly coloured ones, which lift your whole outfit. I have coats in turquoise velvet, burgundy velvet, lime-green fun fur, lime-green and black lame and magenta moleskin. 

3 - Yellow teeth. LOL: well, mine are the colour nature gave me and likely to remain so. My dentist flatly refused when I asked about whitening - he believes it damages your teeth in the long run and that "all these people currently running to their dentist to have it done will be very sorry in 10 years time". 

4 - Dated sunglasses. Big is in say the Glam Girls, but not for me. I'd look like a fucking ANT with my tiny pointy face. You have to go with what suits you.

5 - Petite purse. Not guilty. My new bag is quite commodious, but then it'd have to be to get all my tat in it. Even then, I usually have two. Your bag should be in proportion to your frame and your needs - it's often difficult to do both, but a small bag only makes a large woman look larger.

6 - Uggs. Yup, still wearing my Uggs. I'd be dead without them. But I don't wear them outside - they're my equivalent of slippers, and they'd be yours too if you lived in this old pile of mine. Outside, I wear boots with heels.

7 - Make-up (in the correct amount). Well, I tend to wear make up every two or three days, but admit to being vain enough that I'd wear it every day if anyone saw me other than the DH. If he doesn't like me the way I am, I'm in trouble anyway, let's face it. Besides, not wearing slap enables me to bung on my factor 25 serum several times a day. 

8 - Jeans skirt. Not guilty. I once saw a photo of myself in one of these and chucked the damn thing out straight away.

9 - The tiny necklace. Not guilty - I make my own jewellery and it's big and chunky.

10 - Chewing gum. An American sin, I imagine. Does anyone chew gum over 40? I thought it pulled your fillings out. 

How will you do? Check out their 10 Mistakes here. 

Meanwhile, here are another top 10, for the sake of argument:

1 - Clothes that are too tight. Sometimes an example of wishful thinking, and at others, just a sign that a girl doesn't know NOT to put it all in the shop window. Keep some of it under the counter, love. 

2 - Clothes that are too big. You can't hide your muffin top under a preggy top - all you look is pregnant as well as fat.

3 - Clothes that are too young. Forget the Converse baseball boots you wore at college - you're too old for this look. It's for your daughter.

4 - Clothes that are too old. On the other hand, you're not your mother, and never will be. Times have changed since pull-on trousers and loafers were the only way to stay comfortable. 

5 - Leopard and other animal prints, especially in pants. Makes almost every woman look like a tart, and is there anything worse than an AGEING tart? Keep animal print for accessories only.

6 - Really high heels that affect your walk. The move towards 4-inch heels is just ludicrous for most women who aren't trained as dancers, or for anyone under 5'8".

7 - Cap sleeves. The worst sleeve shape known to womankind, though really the designers' fault more than the purchasers, with so little else available. 

8 - Short hair. I mean, I know it's easy-maintenance, but if you weigh more than six stone, it makes you look like a lesbian prison warder. Anyone for ClitClink?

9 - Elasticated waists. We all like a bit of comfort, but if you need ease, for heaven's sake keep it at the back of the garment where it isn't visible.

10 - Giving up the ghost. Understandable when the balancing act between frumpy and foxy is so difficult to achieve, but also a sign that some women, in a patriarchal society, will go to any lengths not to put themselves first.